


A New Leaf

by MassiveSpaceWren



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Can be read as gen, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Enemies to Friends, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen or Pre-Slash, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Slash, Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MassiveSpaceWren/pseuds/MassiveSpaceWren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite the fallout from the fighting over the Accords, and Steve’s successful mission to break his friends out of the Raft, the military still wants Tony to help them, much to Tony’s annoyance. It was a situation with he could get something out of though. Tony could use the leverage this gave him to get his hands on Barnes’ confiscated possessions; it seemed like a good plan.</p><p>If he’d known how much he would end up uncovering about Barnes, Tony might have thought twice about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This thing took up way too much time. 
> 
> Thank you to all the people I bothered with questions and asked for advice, I think I bothered pretty much everyone. So thanks for your patience and help, Disco-Pinecone, Laireshi, Veldeia, Murmuredlullabye, robin_tcj, Muccamuk and the whole chat that listened to me whine :D

Tony strutted through the military base. He didn't really want to be there, but after the disaster that trying to bring in Barnes had become, he knew that if he wanted the government to work with the Avengers and not against them he had to play this right. Ross hadn't exactly wanted him to be part of his operations anymore after Leipzig, but after Steve had broken their friends out of the Raft without any problems, the General had known that he needed Iron Man.

Ross greeted him, his lips pressed into a thin line. Tony half-smiled and half-smirked at him, the expression practiced and easy to put on after years of dealing with the media. After a few jabs and some forced pleasantries, Tony let Ross change the subject to what he had been waiting for since he arrived.

"I want Rogers brought in," Ross said, sternly. "And Barnes. They are top priority."

"Well, guess what, I want them behind bars, too," Tony said, his face set in a scowl. "You know how our last meeting ended." Tony glanced through the room, for effect, and then looked directly at Ross again. "I know you found some kind of evidence, something that might give me an idea of where to start. So you will give me everything you have, all personal belongings, everything from Barnes' appartment. Because you really want me to have all the possible leads. Face it, I'm your best chance at catching them."

Ross looked like he had bitten into something sour, but nodded eventually.

####

Tony sat down heavily in a chair in his lab and rubbed his hands together. He looked at the three boxes that contained everything Ross had had on Cap and his buddy.

After the military had found Tony in a broken suit, and with no leads as to where Cap and Barnes had fled to, there had been a lot discussion on how to proceed. They’d had started to go through Barnes' stuff, but it had all been locked up again after Zemo had been caught. After the last time they had let anyone mess with something concerning Barnes, it had led to disaster and a triggered Winter Soldier on the run, so now they wanted to discuss every little step. Which took ages. At least with all the delay, Tony had the chance to try and convince them to let him get his hands on all the available information without Ross going through it first. Not that he worded it like that. Then Cap had broken _his_ friends out of the Raft and made Tony's point for him. Ross and the military needed Iron Man and what was left of the Avengers to help them, so they’d better give him any information he might need.

Which also meant that Ross had less information to work with, and less chance to actually find Cap.

They didn't know that the best lead was hidden in Tony's desk, in the form of a small phone with Cap's number in it. Tony hadn't yet done anything about Cap, since he wasn't sure how he would have to handle that when the military finally caught up with Steve.

He sighed heavily, and pulled over the closest box before opening it.

In the boxes he found mostly things Barnes had kept in his apartment: some energy bars, a few personal belongings... Ross' people had even brought the cutlery. Among the objects, there was a small notebook. Frowning, Tony flipped through the pages. It was mostly comprised of well-known facts about Cap, and there was a flyer from the Smithsonian. Why would Barnes need that? Tony mulled the question over. Whenever the subject came up, Steve just insisted that even though he had been brainwashed as the Winter Soldier, Bucky was still in there, that he’d saved Steve from the wreckage. The contents of this notebook hinted that Steve might be wrong about that. Did Barnes even really remember his BFF? 

Another box contained a bag with some of Cap's personal belongings that Tony pushed away as he dug deeper. The tower and the Avengers Compound had a lot more of his things, but that wasn't what he was interested in.

In the last box, he finally found what he was looking for. Barnes' backpack. He wondered what was in there that was important enough for the man to save while he was being hunted by German special forces. They couldn’t have made it easy for him. Tony put the bag on an empty workbench, zipped it open and dumped the contents onto the surface.

Tony frowned. Even more notebooks?

He picked one at random and flipped through it. There were dates, but they didn't seem to be in any chronological order. Some paragraphs seemed to have two dates, one recent and one sometimes dating back as far as a few decades. Confused, Tony started reading.

_"We were walking down the street, Steve and me. A pretty girl walked past us and I nudged Steve to look, but he only waved the Sci-fi magazine he was reading in front of my eyes. I can't even remember what the girl looked like, but I remember how the magazine described how robots lived together with humans in the future."_

Tony flipped another page open at random.

_“I was in the snow, I'm not sure where. They gave me a suit to fit into the surroundings. I moved towards a small wooden house. They wanted me to kill a ~~family~~ man, he was ~~a defector~~ KGB. I shot him. There was a child there. A girl. She saw.“ The writing started to look more hurried and shaky.  “The handlers took her away. I never even thought of her again.“_

Tony flipped the notebook closed and flung it onto the table as if it had burned him. He took a heavy breath and buried his head in his hands.

Memories. Were the notebooks all filled with these memories? “I remember all of them,“ Barnes had choked out when Tony had tried to hurt him like he had been hurt. Reluctantly, Tony reached for the notebook again. The older dates must have been the dates of the missions, and the newer ones were probably the days Barnes started to remember them.

Tony really shouldn't be reading these. They were personal, and definitely not meant for him. But at the same time, Tony had to know more. 

His gaze roamed over the pile of notebooks. What atrocities had Barnes committed as the Winter Soldier? Tony was sure not even half of it had made the news, and probably less was known to be connected to HYDRA. 

Tony stared at the new notebook he'd picked up, his mind rushing towards another question. What had Barnes written about his parents? Once the thought was in his head, Tony couldn't seem to get rid of it. He knew he shouldn't reopen those old wounds, but he couldn't stop himself. He needed to know. Would Barnes even have cared? Tony grit his teeth. Would it just be a clinical recount of the events? Barnes sure hadn’t shown any reaction when Tony had found out.  
With shaking hands, Tony started to search for the right date. He leafed through the notebooks, skimming for the information he was looking for. Moving weapons for Hydra, protecting higher ranking members from the people trying to stop them, and assassinations of high profile targets all seemed to be part of the Winter Soldier’s job description. Tony had to look away for a second, before letting his eyes settle on the page again. So much destruction caused by one man. 

In between the nightmarish memories of Hydra, there were recounts of Barnes’ life before. Days spent in Brooklyn, working and living, as well as training in the army, and going into battle with Captain America. Tony couldn’t let himself get distracted by that, couldn’t think about that. The memory of seeing Barnes murder his parents was in the front of his mind. The right page had to be there somewhere. He couldn't help his thoughts running wild while searching. Would it include all the details about hurting them, killing them? The Winter Soldier was just a vessel for HYDRA’s mindset; would the entry say anything about what HYDRA had thought of his parents? Or whether his mother was just collateral damage? Tony had seen the footage, reading it again through the eyes of his parents’ killer couldn't be that much worse, could it? He laughed humorlessly. Right.

Finally, he stared at the correct date. For a moment he considered just closing the notebook again, but his eyes disobeyed and already started reading.

_“There was a dark road. I followed the car on a motorcycle. It was a mission to get something for HYDRA. I used the metal arm to punch into the car, they crashed shortly after that. Then I stopped to get to the car.“_

At this point the writing started to look more shaky, Barnes seemed to have gotten more and more agitated.

_“It was Howard. And his wife. Oh god. I killed them. Just because they told me to. How could I? I should have stopped. Done something. Anything.“_

By now, the writing was barely legible, the paper crumpled as if Barnes had gripped it too tightly.

_“God, no. I should have died when I fell from that damn train. So many lives ruined. There's no way I can ever make up for that. God. Howard's son. Tony Stark. Steve knows him, they're both Avengers. If Steve finds me, he will bring all of them. I will have to look him in the eye. I should just stay away from them all. Stark will never forgive me. How could he? And he has every right not to. I killed his father, killed his mother! They're dead because of me.“_

Tony snapped the notebook shut and slammed it onto the table. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore the burning behind his eyelids. He hadn't failed to notice how the paper was wrinkled and almost torn, and the way some of the words were smudged where wet drops had fallen onto the paper. He refused to think about what that meant. Somehow, this was not what he had imagined.

Tony sat in his workshop staring at nothing.

Barnes felt the same remorse as Tony did for all the deaths he had caused. He had known what happened wasn't Barnes' fault, and Barnes had to be aware of that too. But being angry at him instead of seeing that he was only a victim too had been so much easier. Knowing Barnes was not to blame for what HYDRA did and believing it were two different things. Confronted with Barnes' most private thoughts and memories, Tony deflated. He wouldn't read more of it, it was not for him.

What felt like hours later, he finally took a heavy breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. He had to focus on what to do next.

There was no way he would give these notebooks to Ross. He didn't want to give the military information about his parents and with all the assassinations he had read about while looking through the notebooks, there was enough information to cause a panic if it ever got out. Tony was protecting the world in general like this, he told himself.

It definitely had nothing to do with not wanting to give Ross even more ammunition and reason to hunt after Cap and Barnes. Or with the fact that these notebooks were Barnes' most private and protected possession.


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky stepped through the glass entrance of the tower. The doors slid closed behind him, cutting off the sound of the media that had been waiting outside. Apparently it was quite the news event to see Steve Rogers return to the Avengers.

About a year ago, Steve had gone underground and Bucky had gone back into cryo. He had known it was only a temporary solution, and had been confused when he was woken up only a few months later. Steve had been there, though, and told him they might have a way to fix him. Wanda had started helping him, using her powers to try to find ways to free his mind of the triggers. It had helped, but he was still far from being free.

After a while Steve had sat him down and explained what had happened while he was under: how he’d still wanted to help, and continued to fight for the people who needed it, even if he had been labeled a vigilante. Bucky had glared at him, not even surprised that Steve still didn't manage to stay out of trouble, even after all this time.

Steve had also told him that they had people on the government side that had helped them stay hidden. Gauging Bucky's reaction, Steve had revealed that one of these people was none other than Tony Stark. While they hadn’t been in frequent contact, Stark had simply warned Steve when he was being sent out to catch him. Sighing, Steve had explained that Stark was offering his technology to help make Bucky's mind his own again.

Bucky stared at him for a moment, before he hurriedly got up and left the room, hiding in an out-of-the-way corner of T'challa's facility. He wasn't sure what to think. Stark might still want to hurt him, but the thought that Stark might actually try to help was a lot scarier.

It took some convincing on Steve’s part, but Bucky eventually accepted it and tried not to think of Stark's motives further. In the end the tech Stark provided them with helped him a lot. 

But now he was walking into Stark Tower, and even if everyone insisted it was Avengers Tower now, he couldn't help but feel that he was intruding in Stark's home.

Everyone had reassured him he was welcome here, but Stark had just looked tired when he’d announced the changes to the Sokovia Accords were finalized and his smile had looked fake when he’d officially invited all Avengers back into the tower. Stark had tried to keep Bucky as far away from him as possible, even when he had sent his tech.  
And now Bucky was going to meet Tony Stark again for the first time since Siberia. A man who should, by all logic, hate him -- and probably did. Bucky rather thought he deserved that hatred, but he knew better than to say anything like that around Steve.

Steve's hand on his shoulder woke Bucky from his musings. Steve tried to smile reassuringly, gesturing towards the elevator. Bucky swallowed heavily and stepped into the car.

####

Bucky met James Rhodes and Vision first. Steve introduced him, as if everyone didn't already know who he was. The conversation was halting and awkward, and Bucky would have liked to flee the room.

Then Tony Stark sauntered in.

Bucky tensed, trying to subtly avoid everyone's eyes.

"Hey everyone, long time no see," Stark quipped, tone too cheerful to be genuine. Bucky couldn't help but watch Stark as he kept moving around the place. "Welcome to my humble abode. FRIDAY can show you to your rooms later." He stepped towards the coffee machine, busying himself with getting coffee and only shortly glancing back at the group. "Ross wants me in charge of the Avengers for now, but it's not like I wanted to play team daddy. So training schedule will be done by Cap here, gym is three floors down, knock yourself out. Not literally, obviously, although I guess that can happen while you super guys hit each other." He waved his hands and rolled his eyes. "Let me know, I'll make room in my schedule. Or, at least try to." He patted Steve's shoulder. "'Bet in the suit I can still bench press more than you, Cap," he commented lightly. Then he was walking towards the elevator, giving a half-hearted wave and not looking back. "Gotta get some work done. Oh, and Barnes, if you want a new arm, come by the workshop."

When Bucky looked away and back at Steve, Steve was staring at the elevator doors, an annoyed look on his face, and shook his head slightly.

Bucky's eyes shifted towards the closed elevator doors again. As the Winter Soldier, Bucky had gotten a lot better at reading people and deciding if they were lying. And to him, the whole thing seemed like a huge deflection.

####

Bucky stood in his room, looking around it. Everything in it was here courtesy of Tony Stark. While it was probably sparse for what Stark himself was used to, it was still a lot more than he would have needed. It only seemed terribly empty.

Yes, there were shelves, a bed, a desk, and other furniture, but with so much space to put things, it was even more obvious how little Bucky had. A few clothes from his time in Wakanda and scraps of folded up paper, tightly filled with his handwriting. It was enough, and definitely better than explaining to someone that he needed something else. But it wasn’t the same. He longed to have his notebooks back.

####

The next morning, a box stood outside his room. On top of it was another small package, a note tucked under it.

Bucky hesitantly carried the box inside, knowing that anything dangerous would probably not have made it through the tower's security. He still couldn't help being wary.

He opened the note, which just read _"In case you don't have time to go shopping.”_ Frowning, he opened the box and found some personal hygiene products, along with clothing, underwear and another change of sheets. Tucked between it was what seemed to be a brand-new personalised Starkphone, adorned with the Avengers logo.

So the package has been sent by Stark, then. He set the box aside, thankful he wouldn’t have to worry about these things anymore.

He grabbed the smaller package, turning it over in his hands. This looked more like it was specifically bought and wrapped up instead of ordered. He carefully ripped the paper off and stared down at it.

A notebook.

He flipped through it, relishing the feeling of the paper and leather in his hands. This must have come from Steve, then. Steve had seen the notebooks in his apartment in Bucharest, and leafed through one. He'd know how important this was to him.

Bucky looked down at the notebook, a tiny smile on his face.

####

Bucky didn't see Stark around the other Avengers too often. When he did, Stark always seemed a bit twitchy, although he sometimes seemed to relax, when the conversation flowed well. Bucky had also seen Stark tense up again when he walked into the room.

####

Steve looked at him with wide, earnest eyes.

"Look, I know Tony can seem rough sometimes... But he'll help you with the arm. I know it. And he won't try to hurt you again, he isn't spiteful like that," Steve had said when suggesting Bucky should take Stark up on his offer of a new arm. Bucky stared at him for a few moments, contemplating, prompting Steve into another rant about why he should do it.

Bucky hadn’t exactly been comfortable with people poking at his arm before. Quite the opposite, actually. After years as HYDRA’s captive, he couldn’t stand the thought of being sedated or restrained while people worked on the arm. T’Challa’s scientists had barely managed to rudimentarily close up his stump before Bucky had tensely told them to stop. He’d had time to put some distance between himself and HYDRA, now. Despite that, he wasn’t sure whether he was truly ready to replace the prosthetic HYDRA had given him.

Bucky thought back to all the times he’d met Stark. By now, he was convinced that the man wouldn’t try to hurt him again. Stark was usually tense, and, if not, his carefully constructed aloofness seemed too forced to be real.

Bucky stared at Steve for a few moments, then nodded, trusting Steve’s assessment.

####

Bucky sat across from Stark in his workshop. He had made a habit of watching Stark, but couldn’t seem to really look at him now that Stark was focusing his attention on Bucky.

“So,” Stark said, clapping his hands together. He looked from Bucky to Steve, who hovered protectively behind Bucky, and back to Bucky again. “What kind of an arm do you want?” The grin on Stark’s face seemed more real than the smiles Bucky usually saw.

Stark showed him a few design ideas while talking about possibilities. Bucky frowned when he saw the potential power of the prosthesis. He interrupted Stark. “What do you mean by “fight capabilities”?”

Stark turned from the screens to look at him again. “Like I said, I’d recommend a prosthesis that is not as strong as the old one, but still a little stronger than a normal human arm, for getting used to the tech. But it should still be able to handle most of the fighting maneuvers you people like to pull. If you want it to be as strong as your old arm, I can build that too, but I would recommend getting used to a weaker version before upgrading it. You spent a long time without it. Oh, gadgets? Do you want any? Any fancy additions? Maybe-”

“No, just the… basic model for the beginning is what I want,” Bucky interrupted before Stark could offer any more. 

Even though Bucky had wanted a new arm for a while, he'd also held back because he thought it wasn’t a good idea for anyone to give him that kind of a weapon before his mind was truly his own again. If even Stark thought he was ready for a new arm, he probably was. At least he was reasonably sure the rest of the Avengers could stop him, even with a high-tech weapon in the form of a prosthesis.

Bucky focused on Stark, who was talking animatedly about the tech he was going to use for the arm Bucky agreed to. He stopped looking at Bucky and Steve to point at the holographic diagram (and wasn't that just something straight out of a sci-fi novel?), slipping into technical jargon. Bucky stared, surprised at how Stark’s posture changed, his hands pointing excitedly, his eyes sparkling, and nothing of the tension was left. He tried to follow Stark's explanations, and while the details were lost on him, he caught the gist of it. The surprising thing was that Tony Stark was this excited, even when he was building tech for the man who killed his parents.

Steve cleared his throat. "Enough with the technobabble, Tony, you know we don't understand any of that."

Stark's expression closed up, before his face settled on a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Well, you know me, Cap, I'm more about the "talking" than the "people actually listening" part. You might as well go and do whatever you're up to, I'll get on with this."

Steve nodded shortly, before getting up and motioning for Bucky to follow him. Bucky took one last calculating look at Stark, unsure if he’d understood it wrong or if Steve just didn't see through Stark's facade.

####

Bucky often sat in his room, writing down whatever was on his mind. He needed to make sense of it. Needed to make sure he wouldn’t forget anything. 

He thought about all the notebooks he’d filled with memories. Most things from before the war were steady in his mind, he didn’t think he’d forget them anytime soon. Other memories were hazier. Things he had written down after waking up from a dream, only to forget again when fully awake. 

He did remember all of his victims, though. They didn’t deserve to be forgotten. It was the least he could do, now.

Sometimes, the finer details of his life as the Winter Soldier escaped him. Sometimes he forgot the unimportant day-to-day events of his life on the run. He didn’t like it. Keeping his memories safe, written down, made him feel more at ease. He could find them again, if he ever misremembered something. 

Except, that wasn’t true anymore. He didn’t have those notebooks now, no matter how much he wanted to. Bucky sighed with resignation. 

####

When Stark called him down to take some measurements and adjust the prototype of the shoulder part, Bucky was too excited to look for Steve first. It was only when he stepped into the workshop that he realized that for the first time, he would be alone with Stark while the engineer worked on his shoulder and screwed around with the inner workings of his arm.

When Stark actually started working out at how the new arm would connect, explaining what he was doing all the while, Bucky was surprised to realize he didn't mind it much. Stark seemed more relaxed around him than he ever had before.

Bucky could only stare at Stark, who somehow managed to make allowing someone else tinkering with his arm appear like something not to be feared.

After Stark had all the information he needed, Bucky got up and glanced at him gathering up his tools. He turned to leave, but hesitated at the door.

"I am sorry, you know," he said. Stark's rummaging stopped, but he didn't dare to turn around.

Bucky's nerves could only stand so much, so he fled the room before Stark could speak. It was only because of his super-hearing that he still heard the defeated-sounding whisper, "I know."

####

After three weeks at the tower, Bucky finally found the courage to ask. He tried to do it as casually as possible, while some of the Avengers were at the common floor with him. Steve was there, pouring coffee for himself and Sharon. Sam was on the couch, trying to read, while Clint was playing video games. Stark was sitting in an armchair a little off to the side, working on a tablet. 

"Does anyone have an idea whatever happened to my backpack? The special forces took it off me, along with all your stuff,” he motioned to Steve and Sam. “In Bucharest."

Steve tensed for a moment, while Sharon turned around to face Bucky. "I know they had it in storage," she answered, "but a few months after the Accords were signed, the facility was attacked by some group blaming the Avengers and their military supervisors for whatever crisis they were facing. The part of the building the storage room was in burned down completely."

Everyone in the room seemed to watch Bucky for a reaction. Thoughts raced through his head. He wasn't sure whether to be happy because the government didn't have his notebooks anymore, upset because some asshole there probably read them all, or sad because he would never get them back.

After a moment, he shrugged as nonchalantly as he could manage. "Huh. How about that. Well, it's not like they'd have given any of it back anyway."

Bucky could have sworn he saw Stark suppress a flinch.


	3. Chapter 3

The day the new arm was ready came suddenly. Bucky entered the workshop, his stomach in knots, but hopeful.

The arm looked great as Stark set it on the table. Even the process of attaching it went smoothly. He got up, stretched the arm a few times and tested opening and closing his fingers. A smile spread over his face.

When he turned, he saw Stark smiling faintly back at him. He took a deep breath but before he could say anything, Steve rushed through the door, a huge grin on his face. "Come on, show me! Bucky, it looks fantastic!" He slung an arm around Bucky, pulling him into a hug. "Tony, thanks for doing this."

Stark busied himself with gathering his tools. "Sure thing, Cap," he said, looking up for a moment, before turning away again. Bucky frowned, confused by the way Stark’s face closed up. But then Steve distracted him by pulling him closer. Over the last few months, Bucky had slowly started to accept this kind of closeness again, but he was still surprised by it, most of the time. He let the feeling wash over him for a second, before tentatively putting his arms around Steve.

####

"Sergeant Barnes, Boss wants you down in the workshop," the AI announced one day later.

Bucky looked up. Huh. It was unusual for Stark to call him down without setting up an appointment. He wondered what Stark was up to on his way down to the workshop.

When he pushed open the door, he was surprised to find Stark sitting at one of the workstations, watching him attentively. He was fiddling with his hands. Bucky looked at him, wary.

"Hey, Buckaroo, good to see you here," Stark said, trying to appear cheerful and relaxed. Bucky stopped in the middle of the room and was getting more and more suspicious. He narrowed his eyes.

"Why did you call me down here?"

Stark sucked in a breath and got up. "There's..." He looked away for a moment before swallowing and making himself look at Bucky again. "There's something I need to show you. Which I haven't been entirely honest about. Not that I've been lying really, just haven't said anything at all, you know, so, not like anything actually bad happened-"

"Stark. What is this about?" Bucky interrupted before Stark could start rambling more.

"Right. Ok." Stark took another deep breath. "You remember when you asked about your backpack and your stuff? And Sharon said it burned down?" Bucky inhaled sharply, clenching his fists. "Yeah, that wasn't entirely true. Well, the building did burn down, so it's not like Sharon could have known." Stark waved his hands while explaining. "It was just that your stuff... wasn't in that building." Stark looked up, waiting for a reaction; when he saw none, he continued. "You know, when Ross tried to arrest you, he wanted me to help. So I got him to give me everything he had on you. Long story short, I have it here and I wanted to return it to you."

Bucky felt like he couldn't breathe. He sat down heavily in one of the chairs. "You... you have it here?" he choked out, running a hand over his face. "But how... Ross seemed to think he had all my things in storage."

Stark shrugged and made a face. "Well, there might have been a fake backpack involved that burned to a crisp in Ross's facility."

Stark carried a box from behind a desk and set it down close to Bucky. On top of it was his backpack. Bucky stared for a long moment, seeing nothing but the bag he had carried his only possessions of value in. He grabbed it, tugged open the zipper and took out one of the notebooks, staring at it with wild eyes.

"Yeah, I thought you might have wanted those back," Stark said quietly. He leaned against his desk again.

Bucky looked at him, then back at the notebook. His eyes widened when the realization hit. "You read them." He got up, glaring at Stark. He was more upset than actually angry, but it was either this or breaking down crying, and he was not going to do that in Stark's workshop. "You read them, didn't you!?"

Stark flinched, before looking Bucky in the eyes and squaring his shoulders. "Yes. I read them. Not all of it, but enough. I did also read the parts that concerned me personally. Namely what you wrote about my parents."

Guilt spread through Bucky, but it could only subdue his anger a little. His jaw clenched, but he could not accuse Stark after the terrible things he’d done himself. He let his head sink.

From the corner of his eyes he saw Stark run a hand over his face and take a breath. "I had to know. Couldn’t really decide what to do without at least some data. I stopped reading after that first night, after I found the part about _them_. You have no reason to believe me, or to forgive me. But this is me, saying I can leave the past behind me.”  
Bucky grabbed the notebook he was holding tighter. He tried to make sense of the situation and the thoughts running wild in his head. Slowly, with deliberate calm, he flipped through the pages of one of the notebooks, his eyes not really seeing anything.

"So you..." Bucky didn't lift his head, staring at the notebook in front of him. "You didn't read all of it? But you kept them here? Away from Ross? Why?"

Stark made a dismissive hand motion. "Personal reasons. You know. Sensitive information. Shouldn't fall into the wrong hands."

Bucky stared at him, trying to get a read on what Stark wasn't saying. Bucky had no doubt he wasn't lying, but that was still different from telling the whole truth. Nervous as he was, Bucky couldn’t figure him out. For now, he just wanted to be alone, away from Stark. 

“Can I go now?” Bucky asked, his voice strained. 

Stark looked up for a fraction of a second. “What? Sure,” he said, staring down at one of his workbenches. “Not like you need my permission to walk wherever.”

Bucky grabbed his things, glanced at Tony to make sure he wouldn’t stop Bucky, and hurried out of the workshop.

####

Bucky tried to work through his conflicting thoughts and memories as he had before: by writing them down.

Stark had had his notebooks all this time, and he had read them. Bucky grit his teeth. Those memories were the most valuable thing he had. More than that: they were _personal_.

"Stupid," his own mind supplied. If he really didn't want anyone to know, he shouldn't have written it down. Still, he had kept writing to make sense of his own reflections and reasonings.

The notebook Steve had gotten him when he had moved into the tower was about three quarters full already. Bucky wrote about what Tony had told him in the workshop when realization hit him. Tony had known about the notebooks. Tony, who had sent him the box he had found it on.

The stylish, leather-bound journal was _not_ a present from Steve.

Bucky closed it and took out the older ones, filled while alone and on the run. He leafed through them, reading some parts, skimming others. All this time in the Tower, Stark had known. All his hospitality, the new arm, the small things he had taken care of to let Bucky actually have a life here, instead of just staying, that had all happened after Stark had read about the terrible things Bucky had done for HYDRA. 

Yes, Stark had read his private memories when he shouldn’t have, but… could Bucky really blame him for trying to get information about someone he considered an enemy? After all the lies and secrets that drove them apart about the Accords, after even Steve and Bucky had kept the worst kind of secrets, Stark had decided to tell Bucky the truth. He had read the notebooks, but he had also kept them safe from the people trying to hunt Bucky down. 

Stark owed him nothing. The truth and protection was a lot more than what Bucky would have expected of him. 

####

A few days later, unable to sleep and walking around the tower aimlessly, Bucky ran into Stark again. 

Stark seemed tired and relaxed, but flinched as soon as he realized Bucky was there. A moment later, he tried to seem casually relaxed again, but Bucky could tell it was fake. Bucky’s thoughts were circling around everything Stark had done for him, while he seemed to make Stark feel worse just by being around.

“Hey, Bucky, if you are looking for food, I think there is still some leftover takeout, somewhere around-”

“Thank you,” Bucky cut his rambling off, too loud to sound natural. Stark frowned at him. Bucky took a hurried breath before continuing. “Not for the food. I mean, for the food, too. But, I mean… Thank you. For everything. For letting me stay here, and…” Bucky shrugged, trying to feel less awkward as Stark stared at him. “...the arm and all the little things. And thank you for the notebooks.”

Stark raised an eyebrow, unbelieving. 

“Look, you offered me a fresh start. Leaving the past behind us?” Bucky said, running a hand across the back of his neck. “I can’t just do that. What happened, happened. We can’t just forget, and we shouldn’t. But we can stop letting it dictate what has to come next. We can turn over a new leaf.” On a whim, Bucky held out his hand. “So, hi, I’m Bucky.” He looked at Stark, willing the other man to understand what he meant. “‘This enough of a fresh start?”

Stark stared at him for a moment, before a smirk spread on his face. He grabbed Bucky’s hand and shook it firmly, but cordially. “Hi, I’m Tony.” 

Bucky smiled, surprised at how pleasantly warm Tony’s hand was in his own and how genuine Tony’s expression was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> This thing was a lot of work for me, mostly because I don't write much. Comments would be appreciated! If you have advice what could be done better, or what did or didn't work for me, you can let me know :)


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